I know I'm not alone in my struggle in this area. It seems all of us want to be that patient parent, always speaking in a sweet, gentle voice and never losing our cool. Well, as much as I've tried, I seem to fail more times than I care to say. Yet, God is always so patient with me and continues to give me gentle reminders of the HIS way of discipline...you know, the way He is with us. It's the perfect picture of the way we ought to be with our own children...giving them a tangible picture of what God is like.
"No punishment ought to be administered by a parent at any time that would not be administered by that parent when he was cool and calm and deliberate, and after he had had a full and free talk on the subject with the child, in the child's best state of mind." p. 123
"...punishment is a judicial act, calling for a clear mind, and a cool head, and a fair considering of every side of the case at hand. Anger is inconsistent with the exercise of judicial faculty; therefore no person is competent to judge fairly while angry." p. 121-122
I have always known that I should not discipline my children in anger. But this is easier said than done. And I'm afraid that the anger I see in my children's hearts is a direct result of my own anger and the injustice I have done to them time and time again when I have administered discipline while still filled with hot passion, whether the act they have committed warranted it or not.
Sometimes they even turn to me and point out my own sin. Of course they do it in their own weak way, as only a child can. They cry and say, "Mommy, I don't like it when you talk mean to me"...or, more often than not, because they don't know how to handle their emotions, they just get even more angry. It seems so unjust at the time...that after such outrageous misbehavior that they have done, that the focus then shifts on my reaction to it. It often makes me even more angry!
"Don't you know what you've done? Don't you know that for hours I have held my cool, being patient and loving while you've tempted and provoked me like a bully shoving his finger into my chest over and over and over again? And now you're upset that I've finally lost it?"
What makes me angry in the moment, breaks my heart later as I realized how I have failed them.
My child knows he is wrong for what he has done, but he also expects that I, as his mother, will do what is right, even in the face of his outrageous behavior. And when I get angry, he knows I have failed. His security is lost and he feels like things are out of control. And from these experiences, his view of me is shaped. He will either gain respect and confidence, or disrespect and an uncertainty about how I will react to any given situation...this can even lead to fear.
There is no fear in love. This really cuts to the heart. I want my children to KNOW that I love them, with a steady, unshakable love. I want them to have a quiet confidence in my love and in my commitment to do what's right no matter how "bad" they are. This is exactly what I want from my heavenly Father. I want to know that no matter how badly I mess us, His love is steady, unshakable, and his discipline is always just and for my good.
"A child who had been told by her father, that if she did a certain thing he must punish her for it, came to him, on his return home, and informed him that she had transgressed in the thing forbidden. He expressed sincere regret for this. "But you said, papa, that you would punish me for it," she added. "Yes, my dear child, and I must keep my word," was his answer. Then, as he drew her lovingly to him, he told her just why he must punish her. Looking up into his face with tearful trust, she said: "You don't like to punish me- do you, papa?" "Indeed I don't, my darling," he said, in earnestness. "It hurts you more than it hurts me- doesn't it, papa?" was her sympathetic question, as if she were more troubled for her father than for herself. "Yes, indeed it does, my darling child," was his loving rejoinder. The punishment which that father gave and that daughter received under circumstances like these, was a cause of no chafing between the two even for the moment, while it brought its gain to both, as no act of punishment in anger, however just in itself, could ever bring, in such a case." p. 126
What a beautiful picture of the love of a father for his child....the way of our Father is with us. And there is no doubt our God is provoked time and time again by the sinful rebellion and outrageous wickedness of his people (us!), yet still He LOVES. Remember the Israelites in the wilderness?
They refused to obey and were not mindful of the wonders that you performed among them, but they stiffened their neck and appointed a leader to return to their slavery in Egypt. But you are a God ready to forgive, gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love, and did not forsake them. Nehemiah 9:17
So, will you join me in making a renewed commitment to never never discipline our children in anger? To be a picture of the Father's love for them? Even if it means that we put off the discipline for a later time, when our minds are clear and our hearts are calm...we all will be better for it.
Breathe.....step back....take time....pray. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth. Ps. 121:1-2 Think of it....the One who made the heavens and the earth is the same One who rushes to our aid when we need help. In fact, He is there all along, offering help moment by moment.
My son, give me your heart, and let your eyes observe my ways. Proverbs 23:26
My child will only give me his heart if he can trust me to hold it tenderly. And oh how I desire to invite them to observe my ways, and follow my example...as I follow Christ.
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Scriptures to chew on:
A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention. Proverbs 15:18
Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly. Proverbs 14:29
A man of quick temper acts foolishly, and a man of evil devices is hated. Proverbs 14:17
Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city. Proverbs 16:32
Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense. Proverbs 19:11
...let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God." James 1:19
For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:11
Check out these scriptures that show how God is slow to anger (SO THANKFUL!!). He is our perfect example, and we are called to be a picture of him to our children.
Exodus 34:6; Numbers 14:18; Nehemiah 9:17; Psalms 86:15, 103:8, 145:8; Joel 2:13; Jonah 4:2; Nahum 1:3
I remember my dad use to tell all of us kids that "it hurt him more than it hurt us", of course we joke and say doubtful now, and at the time we didn't think it hurt him more. However, we know that it did. Both of my parents were good at speaking to us calmly, and explaining what we did wrong and why we were being punished. I must admit, sometimes it would have been much easier to just be yelled at or spanked just to get it done and over with. When you've been punished fairly and lovingly an realize what you have done wrong the guilt you feel is WAY worse than being yelled at or spanked. Haha! Never though, have we doubted whether our parents love us or not.
ReplyDeleteWow. That is good stuff. One thing that I heard from a fellow pastor has really stuck with me (in my mind more than in my actions) is that if we require first time obedience and discipline consistently when our children do not obey immediately we will not have time to get angry and frustrated. If we get angry that just means we should have disciplined them a long time ago. I think this might be the most difficult thing to do: discipline consistently and promptly at the first sign of disobedience, but it would sure cut back on me getting foul!
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